Monday.
shikarix
Howdy nobody, 

I am well aware that I haven't been writing as often as I used to, I would give a proper excuse but the boring, growing amounts of homework will have to suffice. I've been working my butt off lately, I haven't even had time to drown myself in self-pity and shrivel up in a depressed little ball like I usually do. Even right now I have a billion things to complete before tomorrow and it's already 11PM, I want to die. But of course, I wouldn't be able to feel any better without you, my trusted nobody. 

So many things are going on right now, I don't know if I can handle it. I might seem like a stuck up little bitch, but I really think something's wrong with me. I really want to just take a break but I keep finding myself worrying about something, anything. It's like my brain is an entirely different person, an arch enemy, in fact, set on making my life a miserable hell. Sometimes, I want to just cut my head open and pull it out, I wonder if that's possible... 

It's been 6 years, and I still have mixed feelings about X. If that doesn't say "there's something wrong with Kirsten", I don't know what will. I think he's my lobster, (I am so cheesy, feel free to mentally punch me in the face, I know I am). And as much as I hate it, I find myself thinking about him all the time. I want to punch myself so hard. Why can't I just stop falling in love with people, why? He's coming back to visit soon, I don't know what I'll do, I want to see him so bad but he doesn't want me. Unless he needs me, he won't even attempt to come in contact. That's the relationship we have, and I feel so pathetic. I deserve it though, I mean look at me and look at him. I might as well have a better chance with Brad Pitt. 

And that, is why I feel like dying by the way, the fact that I'm thinking about things like that while I'm with another guy and in love with another guy and very much happy with another guy. See, that's what I mean by "my brain is complicating my life", my brain is genuinely complicating my life. I could be so happy. I could be like every other girl in my school, naive and bubbly, but no, I choose to be a fucked up little twisted bitch that everybody hates and is so ugly she can't even look in the mirror without wincing. Don't worry, I'm not looking for attention, I don't know if you've noticed but I am talking to nobody after all, haha. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy, I have such great friends, a great boyfriend, 'okay' grades and to top it off, lots and lots of hobbies to keep my mind off things. But it seems like everything's starting to spiral slowly, I can see it. I don't know what to do about it. Thankfully, no one else seems to even suspect the fact that I've attempted suicide 3 times. Hopefully I can leave it at that, and just, forget about everything. I'm burning my suicide note. I'm going to try to live normally. Maybe that's the best. I'm going to be faithful, I'm going to work harder in school, I 'm going to be a better friend, (there's nothing I can do about my face so I'll just leave it at that). It'll all pay off in the end... Won't it? 

(no subject)
shikarix
Okay I have to complain, I've been excited for FF Versus XIII or FF XV since they announced it a while back in 2009 I think it was. And after I'd seen the trailers recently, I've been dying to play it. Rumors are, it's been named vaporware and might not even be released.

If this is so.
I will kill everything, I will explode and everyone will be forced to eat my remains. Okay. 

;( I want Noctis. 

Saturday 9:19 am 21st April 2012
shikarix
Because I trust no one ever reads my livejournal, I feel safe to say that I have eaten too much for breakfast and I can't puke it back up. I can practically hear it sloshing inside me and it makes me so sick thinking about how much fat is in there right now, all that thick gooey shit, but I still can't puke. Honestly, I hate this feeling. 

(no subject)
shikarix
Dear all, 

Today was my first day on holiday, it wasn't all that adventurous at all but a lot happened, nonetheless. When we arrived, we were welcomed by the chief minister, I'm not even kidding, apparently it was one of the first flights here or something like that, they even had little cute beetle-like automobiles hose the entire 747-400 down. It was really cute actually, nothing like that had ever happened before. The chief minister was really nice but I guess he had to put on a show, there was a bunch of paparazzi (paparazzis? paparazzi?) with pretty ass cameras, might I add, that were snapping away while he shook our hand and asked us questions. He recommended this spa, and god I really wanted to go, what with looking at all the onsens we missed out on. Mom and I checked it out, couple thousands for an hour. Seriously. I miss my onsen ;( Yeah so Mom forgot to take a picture of him and I so she bitched about that for a while. Kidding Mom, love you... Limo to the hotel bitches, yeahh. I'm such a bitch, I'm gonna punch myself. But yeah, it was cool, I wouldn't call it a limo really though, it's more like a car with complimentary water and nice air fresheners? Anyways, we got to the hotel soon enough and checked in, got some complimentary juice at the counter, because I live that fab life ofc. and we went to the room to drop our bags off and freshen up before going to the beach side shack for food. So bloody expensive. But oh well, food is good. I like food. We took the shuttle bus to the mall from then because I had to buy a new SD card, not my fault, those things are small and easy to forget okay. And to get to Georgetown, we had to hire a trishaw. All was well, honestly, until I found out our trishaw driver was a 70 something year old man who just looked tired. He had to cycle us for almost 10 minutes, I was seriously about to just hop out and be all, SIT DOWN AND LET ME DRIVE YOU OKAY, JUST TELL ME WHERE TO GO. God, I felt like crying. Anyways we got to Georgetown and we ate, again, yes I know, and walked around the old UNESCO heritage site. Besides the pastel colored buildings and the Grecian alley ways, it was pretty normal, nothing outstanding. But then we went to Little India and I got my own head dressing thing and wore it around like a boss. Everyone stared and/or clapped for me, but thats the kinda attention whore I am. We shopped a little bit without actually buying anything, and then had hawker food and went back to the hotel. 
Productive day there guys. It was actually gorgeous. Only thing I regret was not buying the 80 dollar film camera that was gorgeous, but me, trying to be noble, just haaaad to walk away. God, this is why I hate myself. Anyways, yeah, that's it!

I can't be bothered to write any more diary entries but I will when I get back from Animal farm rehearsals.

Shikarix

Sunday 1st April 2012 1:50PM
shikarix
I got a new couch today, and I also lost my cat today. Well almost. 
I can't even begin to tell you how scared I was, I was inches away from breaking down. And fuck was I mad, I mean someone lost my cat and had the audacity to say it's okay and we'll just get a new one. No. Not to mention I looked like a lunatic running around the streets with Miro's favorite toy screaming COME HERE BOY COME HERE. Must've made some great impressions.

But I found him anyways, it really is a miracle, I swear he was just playing an april fools day joke on me. I collared him up though and he gave me the look of death. Oh well, bitch deserves it for scaring me like that. 

And Happy April Fools Day everyone! 

(no subject)
shikarix
By the way, I'm completely sorry for being so cheesy. I'm not trying to be, this is just the only place I can rant and I can't necessarily be cheesy to my friends. There's a fine line between people caring and people wanting to murder you and I'm balancing precariously on that line right now. Sorry again. I'll try to keep my cheese on a minimum. Thank you, dear stranger, for being so understanding. 

Shikarix

Thursday 22nd March 2012
shikarix
Sometimes I wonder what people think of me when they see me. I seem like a happy person. I seem genuinely happy, I really do. I wonder if anyone ever glances at my cuts and wondered how they got there, or maybe wonder what I'm up to when I ask to go to the bathroom after every meal, or maybe why I cry so much all the time. I wonder if anyone ever notices that part of me, the part that isn't making jokes and smiling all the time. I wonder if it'd make a difference if they did. People only notice when you're dead, don't they? 

Shikarix 

(no subject)
shikarix

iHola! mi amigos. 

God, I can't even begin to tell you how tired I am right now. I've been surviving on 3 hours of sleep and if you ever wondered what a zombie looked like, come to the Harvard MUN conference and you'll see. Everything I see is literally cut off by my half lidded eyes, I really don't know why I'm still up typing this when I could be sleeping. Blame it on the generation I was born in, technological-addicts. Today was surprisingly fun, it wasn't as intimidating as I thought it would be, I actually managed to raise points of motions and add myself to the speakers list. Woot woot for me. Oh by the way, I've gone vegetarian. Still a fucking hard habit to get used to, Tra My was eating dumplings today and I literally sat there as she asked everyone else to help her finish it, completely, left, out. But oh well, I'll get used to it and it's for the greater good anyways. I'm sitting in the lobby right now, well not exactly the lobby, more like the lounge.... if you're wondering what the difference is, I really can't be arsed to explain it so... 

Tomorrow, we have free time for about 3 hours, which I know doesn't sound like much time, but if you've sat in the caucuses, crammed in a small room for 6 hours, more or less, everyday, 3 hours of free time is a gift from God. I haven't taken a shower in a day, jesus, it's disgusting. And you should see the room I'm staying in, it looks like a tornado ate it and puked it back out. There just isn't any time! There's not enough time to do anything and everything's so rushed. I was actually quite relieved about this trip a second ago, but now that I'm writing and reflecting, everything I detested about going to this trip is just popping back at me and proving that I, indeed, should not have signed up. The assessments I have piled up right now is just too heavy, I might die. I can't wait to get home. Can't wait to stop using "This delegation" instead of "I" and stop asking "Points of personal privileges" to go to the bathroom. I want internet, food and a shower. My eyes are actually starting to hurt now, I swear my health is slowly deteriorating. I'm going to turn into a painful heap of fat very soon. I'm only looking forward to the delegate dance and the closing ceremony, if I can be honest, and I'm not even as excited as everyone else is for that. I don't have a mask, I'm ugly and unattractive and I might as well go to the masquerade with poop smeared on my face. Just, jesus. I can't wait to get home. 

Today we started the day off by waking up at 7:30 in the morning (we were late) and everyone got themselves ready to go to the forbidden city. Mind you, we only have a maximum of 4 hours of sleep last night. Did you know, 4 star hotels in Beijing have shitty concierges? Now you do. We ate what was left of breakfast, emphasis on the what was left. And we set off to the forbidden city. It really isn't anything special to me, just a bunch of chinese imperial houses with the same upside down boat shape and colorful dragon carvings, repeated over and over in the form of a city. We paid 800 dollars for this, I wanted to gauge my eyeballs out. We then went to eat lunch and we made our way into this run down little food court and all bought ourselves some food, I had some veggie soup and Tra my took the liberty of flaunting her beef dumpling in my face. We rushed back to the hotel then, late again, and got changed in an hour, late, and went to a hall for the opening ceremony, then it was dinner and we ordered pizza (veggie pizza's surprisingly amazing) and shared it between our school. It really wasn't worth it, just a reminder to future self. Then we had committee I guess, there's nothing really much to tell you.

Future me, I'm sure you've been to a lot of committees by now, just let me remind you that each and every committee will always be just as boring, if not more boring, than the last. No matter if it's run by Harvard or your mom on a bad day, it's still going to be boring. Truth be told.

I'm going to go get some actual sleep now, before my body actually dies on me. Cant, open, eyes. 

Shikarix


My existence was a waste of time
shikarix
First of all, I'm stupid. And stupid people don't get very far in life. So what's the point? I'm not going anywhere.
Second, I'm ugly. Ugly people don't get very far in life either.
Third, no one likes me. Which is alright. I wouldn't like me too.

I wish someone would come in my life and take away all these thoughts and love me

(no subject)
shikarix
why do I have to be so worthless why

?

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