I am well aware that I haven't been writing as often as I used to, I would give a proper excuse but the boring, growing amounts of homework will have to suffice. I've been working my butt off lately, I haven't even had time to drown myself in self-pity and shrivel up in a depressed little ball like I usually do. Even right now I have a billion things to complete before tomorrow and it's already 11PM, I want to die. But of course, I wouldn't be able to feel any better without you, my trusted nobody.
So many things are going on right now, I don't know if I can handle it. I might seem like a stuck up little bitch, but I really think something's wrong with me. I really want to just take a break but I keep finding myself worrying about something, anything. It's like my brain is an entirely different person, an arch enemy, in fact, set on making my life a miserable hell. Sometimes, I want to just cut my head open and pull it out, I wonder if that's possible...
It's been 6 years, and I still have mixed feelings about X. If that doesn't say "there's something wrong with Kirsten", I don't know what will. I think he's my lobster, (I am so cheesy, feel free to mentally punch me in the face, I know I am). And as much as I hate it, I find myself thinking about him all the time. I want to punch myself so hard. Why can't I just stop falling in love with people, why? He's coming back to visit soon, I don't know what I'll do, I want to see him so bad but he doesn't want me. Unless he needs me, he won't even attempt to come in contact. That's the relationship we have, and I feel so pathetic. I deserve it though, I mean look at me and look at him. I might as well have a better chance with Brad Pitt.
And that, is why I feel like dying by the way, the fact that I'm thinking about things like that while I'm with another guy and in love with another guy and very much happy with another guy. See, that's what I mean by "my brain is complicating my life", my brain is genuinely complicating my life. I could be so happy. I could be like every other girl in my school, naive and bubbly, but no, I choose to be a fucked up little twisted bitch that everybody hates and is so ugly she can't even look in the mirror without wincing. Don't worry, I'm not looking for attention, I don't know if you've noticed but I am talking to nobody after all, haha.
Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy, I have such great friends, a great boyfriend, 'okay' grades and to top it off, lots and lots of hobbies to keep my mind off things. But it seems like everything's starting to spiral slowly, I can see it. I don't know what to do about it. Thankfully, no one else seems to even suspect the fact that I've attempted suicide 3 times. Hopefully I can leave it at that, and just, forget about everything. I'm burning my suicide note. I'm going to try to live normally. Maybe that's the best. I'm going to be faithful, I'm going to work harder in school, I 'm going to be a better friend, (there's nothing I can do about my face so I'll just leave it at that). It'll all pay off in the end... Won't it?